Thursday, December 15, 2011

"I'll never not be broken."

"I'll never not be broken."

Yes, that sentence is a double negative.  Uh huh, it seems a little depressing.  It's certainly not perfectly worded or incredibly motivational, but it's the exact thought that fluttered through my mind in a seemingly random moment in time last night.  I was thinking about improving myself, as I tend to always do in a crazy attempt to be perfect or to reach some sort of  idealistic version of myself.  I was thinking of how broken I feel, after losing my dad, losing past loves, and feeling the weight of broken dreams get heavier as time goes on.  I was headed down a pretty negative train of thought, but not feeling sad exactly, just observing this innate desire I always have to fix myself.  I figure that since I'm so broken now, that surely I will be able to find something to get myself back together.

Maybe if I meet the right person, or figure out the right work out plan, or unblock myself as an artist and express myself to the fullest- maybe then, I will be "fixed."  I apply this thought to everything.  It's obsessive.  I'm never happy with where I am, constantly looking towards some unknown solution to this epic problem. 

Then, it hit me. I'll never not be broken.  My dad will always be missing from my life.  I can't possibly achieve everything on my to-do list.  If I fix one thing, inevitably something else will need fixing.  Every minute of every day, for the rest of my life, I will be imperfect.  I won't reach some place where I am a shining vision of perfection, I just won't.  No one can.

This is liberating. Let go of the striving because it is pointless!

(source uknown)

I can barely put into words the ideas I have on this subject.  I sit here now, trying to formulate the perfect paragraphs and the perfect post, yet even that will be imperfect. 

When I was little, my mom told me that no one was perfect, only God.  I used to say that a lot- I guess back then I already struggled with wanting perfection.  I knew it then, I continue to re-learn the lesson, yet I still struggle with striving.

I guess this is one of the mysterious joys of the human condition?  This post is quite a rambler, thanks for sticking it out if you made it this far.  I didn't perfectly express my thoughts on this subject, it isn't as perfectly inspirational as it could be, and there are certainly some run-on sentences thrown in the mix (I'm letting it be!)

I'll end with some song lyrics from a very fitting Dave Mathew's song, "If I had it all."

Sometimes I can't move my feet it seems.
As if I'm stuck in the ground somehow like a tree.
As if I can't even breathe.
Oh, and my screams come whispering out.

As if nobody can even see me.
Like a ghost, sometimes I can't see myself.
Sometimes, then again, oh...

If I were a king
If I had everything
If I had you then I could give you your dreams
If I were giant-sized, on top of it all
Then tell me what in the world would I sing for?
If I had it all?

Sometimes I feel lost.
As I pull you out like strings of memories.
Wish I could weave them into you
Then I could figure the whole damn puzzle out.
Then again, oh...

Remembering times much younger than me now
When my breath was light?
When the world raised me up kind?

And here mother comforts child.
Every moment was waking up
But now I've grown tired out.

If I had it all, you know
I'd fuck it up.

If I were a king
If I had everything, piece by piece.
If I had you, if I could give you your dreams.
If I were giant-sized, on top of it all,
Then tell me what in the world would I go on for
If I had it all?

This world keeps spinning and we keep on growing.  We'll never get there (where?) so let's just enjoy the ride right? :)

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