Sunday, January 16, 2011

Heart of the matter.

I've been posting up a storm today, after a period of not so much posting, because I feel so expressive right now.  I've had an amazing past few weeks and just topped it off with a really fulfilling weekend.  This is one of those personal, from the heart posts.  My dad was sick for seven years and recently died this past September.  My heart and soul has been very tied up in his whole situation.  He eventually really lost his mind in a lot of ways, and for a while there he wasn't himself anymore.  I went through several stages of losing him on an emotional and eventually physical level.  It was awful, like, really awful.  The kind of awful you just don't want to talk about or think about.  It felt very difficult to truly feel "peace" for these past years, even though that is one of the most important aspects of life in my eyes.  I value peace and love more than anything.  It was very hard to be connected to full peace, knowing that my dad was suffering.  His suffering was a quiet murmur, humming sadly throughout my days.  I would laugh really hard at something, or have an amazing time, but in some ways it felt like a lie.  Everything wasn't really ok.

I could write about this journey for hours, so I should probably cut it short.  The reason I feel so expressive lately is that for the first time in a very long time, I feel at peace.  I believe that my dad is in a better place now.  I believe that he is connected with his true spirit again, which is something he sadly lost several years before his death.  He became a prisoner in his own body, and I now like to imagine him as this expansive entity, choosing where he wants to be and go.  Flying free.  It is very freeing for me to feel this way and to imagine what sorts of possibilites he might have now.  He was so limited at the end of his life that I just know he is in a better space now.  That makes me feel a lot better, too.  It makes me feel like it is ok to really connect with my spirit and enjoy it.  I don't feel selfish in creating my own happiness now.  This was hard to do when he was sick, I always felt like I was living some sort of double life by being really happy when he was really miserable.

My dad was an architect.  He was passionate about creating things.  He was so simple in the best ways.  He loved the little things in life and derived a lot of joy from them.  He was a very hard worker who also made time to do the things he loved.  He had hobbies, he built tree houses, he did anything and everything for his wife and kids.  We loved him so much.  I'm learning more and more from him every day, just by looking back at his life.  I feel that he can still teach me so much.  I feel very thankful that he is looking over me and hopefully guiding me towards my dreams.  It gives me a lot of confidence and faith to imagine this.  I feel more expansive and connected to myself and the flow of life than I have in so long, and it feels great.

I hope that if you find yourself in a time of trouble, you will remember that there is always a light at the end of the tunnel.  I feel myself basking in the warmth of that light, and I have confidence that it is getting brighter every day.  I stumbled upon this amazing young artist, Misty Miller, today and her voice seriously brought me to tears.  Her voice is magic, and life is magic, and I'm so thankful to be here.  My dad's journey taught me that life is truly a gift.  I won't be here forever.  One day we will all leave the world of stars and grass and trees and the ocean.  These things are ours now, and that is a miracle.  I love the world today, and I'll leave you with beautiful Misty's sweet song.  I think this week just might be spectacular.


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